


I'll Give You My Heart

by Aliis



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Canon Compliant, Hearts Au, M/M, Romantic Soulmates, Soulmates
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-24
Updated: 2017-01-20
Packaged: 2018-09-01 11:26:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 18,566
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8622820
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aliis/pseuds/Aliis
Summary: In a world where people's hearts are displayed on their chests, broadcasting to everyone if you're looking for your other half or you've found them, Victor Nikiforov was a bit of a rock star-- he's twenty seven years old and his heart is still perfectly whole.





	1. tell me now, it's dark

**Author's Note:**

> I just. Really needed to write to get the feels off my chest.
> 
> I love love love soulmate AUs. And recently I’ve noticed an increase of them in YoI which is great. But. I remembered this APH series I loved years ago. This is inspired from the Hearts AU, originally conceptualized by Kousagi7Yami from FF.net.
> 
> A person is born with their heart, however, it lacks pigment, it looks like glass.  
> The color begins to bleed in around puberty  
> Hearts have the same consistency as glass, but are as hard as diamonds  
> There have been rare cases of people finding a second person who's heart matches theirs if their significant other has died.  
> When a heart is lost, the person feels an exaggeration of what it would be like with or without the person. This can usually be lived with and tends to die down after a day or two, but it is always there. Whether the person feels good or bad is completely random.  
> A set of hearts usually breaks at the same time, but it is not unheard of to have a delay.
> 
> Georgi's FS song was perfect with this, so I took it and ran.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [Originally posted 11.24.2016. Edited 12.23.2016]

Victor Nikiforov’s heart was the mysterious turquoise some glaciers were.

Katsuki Yuuri knows this because the star of his Victor poster collection is a floor to ceiling piece featuring Victor in his senior debut outfit, a daring outfit that looked like gilt roses and wrought iron had been twisted around to encase his torso and shoulders like a cage.

His heart had stood out even back then, like cut rock crystal catching the light when he spun and throwing off a dazzling brilliance when he had finished his routine and took a bow, flushed and heaving with exertion. It heralded the era of Victor’s own brilliance, who took the skating world by storm with his intricate routines and perfect smile.

Yuuri had looked at his own colorless heart and wished he could grow up faster, _faster_ , if only so he could know if his own heart could be half as beautiful.  


* * *

  
Katsuki Yuuri’s heart was the color of the stormy ocean and was appeared about as turbulent, shifting from an intense blue-violet to dull gray seemingly synchronious with his struggle to establish his skating career.

Not that many people knew-- the trend of figure skaters baring their hearts was one of the things Victor Nikiforov may have made ridiculously popular (along with that silly poodle tissue-box and having at least one quad in a routine), even a decade after his legendary performance, but it was a something Yuuri had never attempted himself.

Phichit had asked him if he would ever skate in such a costume once, after an absolutely terrifying nine hour horror movie marathon featuring the Heart Collector series, but Yuuri had blushed.

“I wouldn’t want to display it to the whole world, Phichit-kun,” he’d smiled, if a bit nervously. “Somehow it feels like it would be, well. A lot embarrassing.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Heart Collector series is a bunch of movies featuring a serial killer that collects crystal hearts for funsies. He prefers soulmate pairs to see if they are identical as their halves fuse together.


	2. there is no star in the sky

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How could he be proud of his heart, when it was cloudy and like it could shatter at any moment?
> 
> So he tucks his heart away, and no one ever bothers to look.
> 
> [Originally posted 11.27.2016. Edited 12.23.2016]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the original Hearts AU, I believe the hearts were uniformly colored and was basically smooth like glass. For my purposes, this is changed to hopefully depict the large amount of variation between hearts-- they have different colorings, opacities and inclusions. A lot of hearts look like their colors change, like Yuuri’s does, but it’s less to do with mood than it is to the personality. (Also I am a crystal nut. Please do try to figure out was semi-precious stone I modeled these hearts after.)  
> Of course, they’re all still generally as hard as diamond, but the physical appearance is literally like a crystal heart. Faceted, just because I love the imagery of Victor’s heart throwing off rainbows in the sun.

Yuuri used to like his heart, once.

No. _Like_ was a bit too strong of a word.

Rather, he wasn't ashamed of showing his heart to people, before.

It had settled into its true color sometime when he was thirteen, into a deep blue that looked strangely purple in some lights.

He had thought it was okay, but definitely not as amazing as Victor’s, which was crystal clear and appeared the whole spectrum of pale jade to turquoise to deep teal.

Yu-chan had told him it was pretty, but as the inclusions appeared, he got more and more convinced that she told him this only because she was his childhood friend and was obligated to support him.

* * *

He thought he could have loved Yuuko once, with her warmth and comfort and constant support. But when he was fourteen and she was sixteen, half her heart had fallen out and she had spent an evening sobbing at the rink.

And Yuuri?

Yuuri had _absolutely no idea_ what to do.

He had stood, trembling, by her side as she went through all the tissue they had. Sniffling and bawling because ‘Yuuri, it hurts so much,’ and Yuuri was in tears himself because ‘Sorry, I’m so sorry Yu-chan.’

And then Takeshi had come up, quietly, and slipped his obsidian half-heart to Yuuko’s chest and her tears abruptly dried up.

And Yuuri?

Yuuri saw that look, like Nishigori hung up the sun. And over the years, seeing how the Yu-chan pale rose half-heart meld with Nishigori’s obsidian half til you could hardly see where the individual halves met, well.

Yuuri knew what a love story in progress looked like.

* * *

  
Once, the first year of Uni, he woke up and thought his heart had started fracturing for someone, but it turned out to be a false alarm.

She was pretty, and when she smiled she was beautiful. She was his partner in a project that was a significant portion of their grade in one of his courses. He never found out if she had found her soulmate by that time, and nothing ever came out of it.

By then, he realized his heart looked like it was full of cracks inside. Completely harmless in the sense that he probably wouldn't die from a structural defect of his heart, but it revealed how thoroughly subpar his heart appeared to all the other hearts he'd seen.

How could he be proud of his heart, when it was cloudy and like it could shatter at any moment?

So he tucks his heart away, and no one ever bothers to look.

* * *

  
Training in Detroit was honestly life changing. In America, cultural norms regarding showing someone your hearts were pretty different than they were in Japan.

Some people just, well. Jogged in the park, shirtless. Went to nightclubs in shirts so low Yuuri honestly couldn't figure out the point or wearing a shirt if that covered that little skin, leaving absolutely nothing to the imagination.

Yuuri had to get used to it pretty fast, but he reached five years without anyone seeing his heart.  
Also, Phichit was his roommate, and his heart was garnet. Yuuri first found this out when Phichit had gotten spectacularly drunk in their room and Phichit had suddenly just taken off his shirt and started belting Shall We Skate at the top of his lungs.

Yuuri had all but tackled him when Phichit had reached for his belt. He eventually determined that the best course would be roll him up in both their sheets like a burrito and hope he doesn't puke.

Yuuri does not enjoy recalling the events of that particular evening.

* * *

The disastrous Grand Prix finals had been months ago, and he had done all he can to shake off the heaviness of that miserable day.

Well. Miserable three days, really. Crashing and burning after scraping up the qualifications to skate in the Grand Prix Final was a terrible feeling, and not helped by waking up the day after the banquet remembering absolutely nothing and experiencing the worst hangover of his life.

Celestino was normally pretty talkative, but he’d kept mysteriously mum about the events of the evening. Perhaps it was guilt, because Yuuri was fully prepared to shut himself in his hotel room for those twenty-four hours before his flight and whatever madness that evening brought about could theoretically have been avoided by Yuuri’s absence.

And the feeling had only gotten worse, the sting growing deeper and deeper, sinking barbs of inadequacy so deep he couldn’t hope to get rid of them himself. Soon he couldn’t even muster the energy to care how terribly he was doing.

What was even the point? Physically, Yuuri was leaning on too old considering he hasn’t done very well in the international competitions. He didn’t want to injure himself permanently on the ice.

He’s loved the sport more than half his life, and trained intensively for years. Yuuri tries telling himself it isn’t just about Victor Nikiforov, his inspiration for more than a decade, but can’t quite convincingly lie to himself.

Well, then. That was an idea.

* * *

Yuuri finds Yuuko at the Ice Castle Hasetsu and he skates _Stammi Vicino, Non Te Ne Andare_ and it probably spoke volumes about his character that skating Victor’s program would be just the thing he needed to fall in love with skating again.

That wasn’t quite right. He’d always loved skating, but… there was something, always, about Victor’s programs, about his expressions when he skates, that resonate with Yuuri.

It felt like home, like comfort.

* * *

Also, Axel, Loop and Lutz are overexcitable and ridiculously obsessive and startlingly genre savvy little figure skating fans and Yuuri figured that was precisely the only reason why they liked him.

No one could resist an underdog story with an earnest-looking protagonist.

When they post their viral video, Yuuri is mortified.

But even he can tell that those kids captured something he hadn't sensed in himself when he was skating. He tried coming up with a word for it, but the closest he could get was yearning.  
But he couldn't figure out for what.

Well, no matter.

Fingers trembling, he turned his phone off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to reminisce that this was my pre-Good Meat day chapter hihi.
> 
> Initially, I wrote about how Yuuri had failed to get the drive to keep skating from Victor’s program and was ready to give up, but I rewatched, like twice and? It wasn’t like that? After all? Even before his video went viral, Yuuri was prepared to up his game to face the Russian Yankee who terrified him once in the toilets.


	3. where are you?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And it’s grown clearer that at twenty seven years, Victor Nikiforov’s heart was as flawless as it was more than a decade ago.
> 
> [Originally posted 12.1.2016. Edited 12.24.2016. Re-edited 12.25.2016]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Show-don’t-tell has never been a strong point, but I tried.
> 
> I have rewritten this twice and I am still not satisfied. More edits may occur in the future.

Victor Nikiforov’s own heart felt alien to him sometimes, because he hasn’t figured out how soulmates were supposed to work in real life.

How was his heart meant to respond to someone he’s met?

For some, their hearts broke immediately after hello and for others it was a few decades after meeting their soulmate.

Had he met his soulmate yet?

If yes, why hasn’t his heart broken yet?

If no, _why not?_

When he slept, he liked to rest his hand atop it, just the feel the regular _lubdub lubdub lubdub_. The heat of his hand warmed the crystal heart and he wondered if his soulmate was doing the same, if his soulmate’s actions synchronized with his.

 _That would be nice,_ he thinks, _if his soulmate felt that warmth._

A tiny niggling treacherous voice in his mind wondered _if he even had one._

* * *

Every Valentine's Day, Victor Nikiforov is somewhere in the top five of the list of a hundred eligible bachelors with publicly intact hearts that was published in the magazines aimed at impressionable teenaged girls.

He has kept his place for almost twelve years, most of the people in those lists finding their soulmate with a mean time of about 4 years. If he were a lesser man, this might have been kind of depressing.

A decade in the public eye with ‘when will Victor’s heart break for someone?’ in everyone’s mind.

Every year, the first assignment for most aspiring young journalists would be to figure out how to spin Victor Nikiforov's tale in the most original way.

It had been pretty difficult to, after the fifth year. The adjectives just kept getting more and more flowery and ridiculous.

A few seasons after his scandalous senior debut he’s made less of an effort to show off his heart on every performance, but he’s not made an effort to- well, _cover up._

There were blog pages dedicated to meta on the color of his heart, if significant events changed the clarity, or the shine, or the color. None of these were conclusive.

The tenth year the rumor was that Victor Nikiforov's soulmate had to love the ice at least as much as he did, and the fact that no one could follow Victor's choreography and perform _just so_ was a sign he hadn't come close to finding his soulmate yet.

Well, the consensus was as plain as day, though.

It’s grown clearer that at twenty seven years, Victor Nikiforov’s heart was as flawless as it was more than a decade ago.

* * *

Victor Nikiforov was at the top of the world and it's lonely.

He loved the ice, loved how he could carve the pristine crystal at his whim, feeling the freedom to move in ways he couldn't on the ground. There was freedom on the blades of his skates.

But it stopped feeling like freedom everywhere else.

He can smile, delivering flawless interviews and tactful statements. He smiles, and you see that all his photographs are magazine ready perfection. He indulges interviewer requests to see his heart readily, and his heart sparkles prettily under any light.

God. Trust even _his heart_ to be photogenic. It was _infuriating_.

However, however.

Victor felt empty, and nothing he tried ever seemed to satisfy the gnawing black pit in his soul. The ice was still calming, still beautiful. But he couldn't muster up the sheer exhilaration the first time he landed a quad, the first time he broke the world record, that time from before he became a living legend.

He wondered, privately, if it was socially acceptable to give his soulmate half an empty heart.

If he had one.

In fact, Victor had never had a _real_ love interest, one that he honestly believed he could be together forever with.

Actually, Victor had had exactly three previous relationships, and none of them had lasted very long. Victor had never had a relationship that he valued more than _skating_ , and the people he’s dated knew it.

That probably boded ill for his relationship status in itself, really.

For the record, the other things they knew about Victor Nikiforov were the following:

One, the way to Victor’s affections was food.

Two, when he went shopping, he bought the weirdest shit, but he had the wallet to back up his ridiculous purchases, so.

Third, and last, Victor was kind of a thoughtless asshole sometimes, but he was always honest.

* * *

Victor was bored.

Also, he was stuck.

He pieces together new programs with the same care but he finds he doesn't put the same heart in it the way he used to.

He isn’t sure when he started feeling like the medals around his neck became a collar.

He couldn’t breathe right.

He felt suffocated.

He was looking for _something_ , though he couldn’t pinpoint what exactly.

The Grand Prix Final where he won his fifth gold was like most other finals he had experienced, with one exception.

There had been a boy. No, rather, there was a young man, who he’d initially thought was a fan. The meeting was largely underwhelming but Victor was intrigued by his dance repertoire. He had been asked to visit him at the end of the season.

Victor may just take him up on that offer after Worlds, maybe.

* * *

Victor was less bored but still stuck.

He pieces together new programs with the same care, but he knows it's missing something but he cannot figure out what it is.

The Worlds was much the same, as the Grand Prix Series, though he is concerned by the future of his skating.

He free skate music is exactly as he commissioned it, but he couldn't bring out its spirit. He has the world wrapped around his finger, but however much he's won the crowd, he knows the truth.

He can't convince himself of the loneliness, the bitterness, the hope, and the happy ending of the story.

He feels empty.

_Stammi vicino, non te ne andare..._

* * *

_Oh_ , Victor thought, with a touch of wonder. _Oh._

_This person understands me._

This was more of Katsuki Yuuri than he had witnessed at that banquet, where Victor had experienced the most exciting party he'd ever been to (Chris was great company and a good friend, but Victor had always been smart enough to not be influenced by his debauchery).

This person, too, loved the ice.

Katsuki Yuuri wasn’t by any standard perfect, but he puts what he has in his skating. He remembers the banquet. The offer. Victor's eyes narrowed as he contemplated the Japanese skater’s step sequence, his hand gestures, his eyes.

 _This person_ , he decided, _was calling me._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Adding bits as I go on because Victor is so complicated


	4. why are you leaving me?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There was no escaping Victor's highly enthusiastic and slightly invasive line of questioning of everything from the the Full and Comprehensive List of Katsuki Yuuri’s Dating History (embarrassingly void of absolutely anything) to forwarding Buzzfeed quizzes on ‘What does Your Heart Type Tell You’ or ‘How Is Your Heart Health’ at increasingly sporadic hours of the day.
> 
> [Posted on 12.3.2016. Edited 12.25.2016]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I intend to finish this story to the lyrics of the first stanza of Tales of Sleeping Prince, so the chapters from now on will tend to be longer. Though, I should think some will be shorter than this. So overall, the lengths will be pretty irregular. Pardon me.

All the embarrassment in the world could not have prepared Yuuri for the force of nature that was Victor Nikiforov’s arrival at the onsen.

Yuuri was not looking forward to get his hands numb and soul frozen shoveling snow from the walkway, but at least he knew how to deal with it.

Nevertheless, instead of the unseasonally frigid sting of snow on his cheeks, he was greeted enthusiastically by a very, very warm dog that looked rather a bit too much like Vicchan for it to be coincidence. When his mother had told him that the poodle had arrived with a foreigner, Yuuri knew in his heart of hearts, without a doubt, that he knew that person.

Also, he knew that hi was probably in over his head.

* * *

Victor Nikiforov promptly finished his bath, ate dinner and fell asleep on the tatami in one of the inn’s robes.

It was surreal, but apparently, Yuuri’s skating had been able to bring Victor all the way to Japan. Yuuri couldn’t quite process that idea or its implications.

And the living legend himself slept peacefully with Makkachin, seemingly ignoring the havoc he’s currently wreaking to Yuuri’s emotions--no, the the havoc he’ll be bringing down on Hasetsu! He slept with the nape of his neck exposed, vulnerable, managing to disregard Minako’s panicked screeching.

Yuuri’s fingers unconsciously clutched at his heart, wondering what emotion he was feeling that was strong enough to make him tremble.

Victor really was a beautiful person in real life, maybe actually more than in the posters or on television. He didn't quite feel real yet to Yuuri, for all that he wakes up all half-lidded eyes with his yukata slipping off his left shoulder, asking Yuuri what his favorite meal was because this is apparently critical information to becoming his coach.

* * *

There was no escaping Victor's highly enthusiastic and slightly invasive line of questioning of everything from the the Full and Comprehensive List of Katsuki Yuuri’s Dating History (embarrassingly void of _absolutely anything_ ) to forwarding Buzzfeed quizzes on ‘What does Your Heart Type Tell You’ or ‘How Is Your Heart Health’ at increasingly sporadic hours of the day.

 _Why are you running away_ , he’d had the nerve to ask that first night. Katsuki Yuuri had zero idea where Victor’s presumed closeness came from, but that encounter was the first of many that brought the startling realization that Victor Nikiforov was _exactly_ zero percent anything Yuuri had initially expected he would be off the ice.

Any time Yuuri froze though, Victor knew when to give Yuuri his space.

Yuuri appreciated that much, and when he couldn’t sleep, he couldn’t help thinking about the time Victor was giving him right now.

 _Ah_ , that was it.

His pounding heart was a testament to how happy he was with Victor beside him, though he didn’t yet know how to express it.

Something insidious in his heart was absolutely convinced this was a game to Victor, just a hobby to pick up in his free time, but it hurt his heart to consider it, really, so he carefully, deliberately, puts it aside.

Furthermore, there was no escaping the enforced closeness. Because Yuuri? He's lived in Detroit, knows there are tactile people.

For the record, and he makes this very, very clear: there are tactile people and there is _Victor Nikiforov,_ who touches the angle of his jaw and skims gently down his arm  and cradles his hand like it’s no big deal-- Yuuri would beg to disagree, this was an absolutely big deal to his heart.

There was also no escaping lowkey brutal remarks, the barbed words that stung and danced along the edge of cruel. Sometimes Yuuri thought Victor’s smile was like a predator facing cornered prey. Sometimes he thought Victor’s smile was a bit heart-shaped.

He didn’t quite know what to do with that last bit of information, or any of the other bits he’s slowly coming to learn from the man himself.

Exhibit A, there was the issue of the actual Victor in the onsen being, well.

Very distracting.

See, hearts were private, for all that they were on the outside. Showing your heart to someone signified trust, but it was a bit more complicated than that.

In Japan, seeing someone’s heart in the public bath was a non-issue, and they dealt with it the same matter of fact way they do a lot of things.

Anyways, talking about someone else’s heart to someone else just because you happened to see it in a public bath was considered very rude, and simply Not Done.

But it wasn’t just the onsen. Victor wore his yukata very loosely, and when he leaned forward and it slipped open and his heart was in Yuuri’s reach and and _and_ …

It was overwhelming.

Also, a tiny bit _erotic_. Though you won’t catch Yuuri ever admitting that out loud.

* * *

If anyone at all has noticed Victor’s fixation on hearts, you’d. Well. You wouldn’t be _alone_. This is one of the things Yuuri learns, early on.

Victor loved the principle of soulmates and he proclaimed it from the rooftops.

He didn’t quite ask random strangers about their soulmates at every opportunity, but it comes out in his movements, in his voice when he talks about any program that involves feelings.

When he skated, you could tell that his soulmate was on his mind. He danced for his soulmate, and that made his performances _more_ , somehow.

Now that he was Yuuri’s coach, apparently, this included knowing everything about Yuuri and his nonexistent soulmate and asking to see his heart.

And. _Well._ Yuuri still can’t bring himself to show his idol his cloudy heart.

* * *

Pushing his body to the limit wasn’t anything new to Yuuri.

Blisters and sores were no big deal, and Victor was a brutal slavedriver but also he was effective. Yuuri loved the ice, and he loved skating, and banning him from the rink was successful in giving him the willpower to drop the remaining pounds he needed to lose.

Yuri Plisetsky was a temperamental brat who rather had some growing up to do, he realized wryly. He wasn’t sure what parts of his body hurt because of the exercise of the attack on his back that time he had arrived at Hasetsu Ice Castle feeling like he’d conquered the world.

And when Victor stated the living legend equivalent of ‘skate for my hand’, Yuuri couldn't help but question the ridiculousness of his life.

Also, the triplets had been waiting for this, he knows. The mark of a true skating otaku was to manage organizing a high-stakes ice skating exhibition at the tender age of six, obviously.

* * *

Yurio and Victor looked, well, comfortable in a way Yuuri couldn’t picture himself being.

He _wasn’t_ jealous, he tried to tell himself.

Well. He tried his best, then he went out to clear his mind.

Yuuri was a person who was able to thrive because he had a place to do ballet or skate when he got nervous.

And he was very nervous, so he got very good. For example, compulsory figures were considered boring by some, but the control he had in carving the loops into the ice was a comfort, so he got to improve from _that._

That was all there was to it, at first. Somehow, Minako noticed his turning inwards when he was anxious and figured that would make an excellent student, and a potentially great figure skater.

And Victor was convinced Yuuri needed only a little tapping into that potential to transform him into a champion figure skater.

He didn’t feel like letting his idol down, no matter how unreasonable his demands were.

But beyond that, Yuuri actually wanted to win with a drive that surprised himself.

He hated losing, yes. But it went further than that, really.

It was beyond katsudon, even, though he’ll never forget how Victor’s eyes shone at his proclamation.

This routine was the only way to keep Victor close, even just for a little while before he woke up from his dream.

He’s do anything to keep him close for just a little bit longer.

_Anything._

Even if Victor does call him mediocre and figures how much of a fan he is in a heartbeat.

* * *

 _'You have the skill to win,’_ Victor told him, ' _why can’t you make it happen?'_

And Yuuri can’t even look him in the eyes when he says he lacks confidence.  

So why was _Victor_ so confident in him? He looked like it was a job he could reasonably achieve and he said as much, brimming with confidence. Not at all like it was the logistic impossibility Yuuri knew it really was.

Then, Yuuri is utterly distracted by the slide of Victor’s golden skates between his legs and Victor’s thumb touching his lips, a hairsbreadth away from nose to nose, asking Yuuri to show him his eros. This man would kill him, he thought.

Yuuri felt a little faint.

And Victor turned away, and Yuuri sees that neck again, smooth except for that single bump on his spine, and he wonders what eros is. What his eros is.

* * *

Eros was difficult. Victor was good enough at skating he didn’t even have to think about how to seduce people, but Yuuri hadn’t ever shown his innate sexiness to anyone because he _didn’t have any_.

That was a thing everyone knew.

Eros spoke of a playboy seducing a woman into loving him only to leave her behind in search of greener pastures and that simply _wasn’t him._

He definitely didn’t have the nerve to play the playboy, anyone with eyes could see that. Nishigori had told him as much. For all Yuuko’s kindness, even she wouldn’t be able to tell him with any sort of conviction, that he could imbibe the spirit of the playboy, even for the purposes for the two minute short program.

And when a fifteen year old child laughs at his eros, he knew he was pretty much screwed.

* * *

Yuri was a brash young man on the cusp of adulthood, and despite being a very good figure skater, he probably needed to get his ass whupped a little bit in order to develop into a decent human being.

Even so, Yuri was kind, sometimes, in his own way, and it shows in how he begrudgingly learns his way around the onsen, and how he grumpily instructs Yuuri to land the quad salchow.

Yuuri knew he is terrible at the quad salchow and will probably lose tomorrow, but he can’t help but try harder, _harder._

How does one develop eros when meditating under a freezing waterfall is not enough?

Sometimes Yuuri thinks his life is ridiculous, what the hell. He thinks so now, weighing convoluted plan after convoluted plan, stops short of going outside and actually trying to seduce someone because one, this was _Hasetsu_  where everyone knew each other; two, this wouldn't end well, he could feel it in his bones. And three, his life wasn't even that genre, probably. If he were an anime protagonist, he was going to try his damnedest to be wholesome.

And if he has to pull an all nighter at the ballet studio, well.

It wasn’t like he was a stranger to having to work harder than anyone else.

* * *

His eros was absolutely, one hundred percent, _not ready_.

It was terrifying, being in front the crowd.

It was difficult enough messing up, without the intimidation of being in front of so many people.

Yuuri’s vision swam. He wasn’t ready, but would he ever be?

When Victor appeared in his vision, it took everything in him to pull the taller man in for a hug, for what might be the first and only time. It was wonderful while it lasted, and Yuuri is just clinging to the moment because if Victor leaves at this point, he honestly doesn't know what he can do with his life.

 _Please watch me,_ he’d begged, with his eyes as much as his words. _I’m trying so hard, can’t you see? I’ll become what you want._

And Victor, flighty at times but who rose to the expectations of the crowd when pressure was at its peak, knew exactly what to say now.

“Of course, I love katsudon.”

* * *

Well then, Yuuri had to do all he could to win after hearing that, didn’t he?

It was easy slipping into the role, because if he was this woman, he could try to seduce Victor in all the ways he couldn’t otherwise.

He knew who _she_ was dancing for, after all.

When she skated, she charmed everyone, and no little stumble would be enough to take her down.

She was confident in herself, knew exactly what she was getting into.

The playboy may leave at the end, but at this moment, she could hold on to his time. And after?

She was still better than any other woman, because…

Well.

No one could look away.

* * *

Yuuri drew what strength he could from the warmth of the hand on his shoulder. He announced he’ll try to win, but honestly, it wasn’t like he was trying to _lose_ before.

 _For this season_ , though, he was going to skate like his life depended on it. This would be the last chapter of his competitive life, so he'd better give it all he has.

It felt rather like a swan song, but Victor was beside him _right now,_ and honestly? Yuuri would do whatever he could to keep it that way for as long as he could.

His heart twinged, a little bit. He tamps the feeling down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is the last of the rewrites. Chapter 5 will be out by the end of the year, and hopefully chapter 6, too, but I desperately want to finish this before my classes start again, and I will be very busy in 2017. The last few eps of YoI threw me for a loop, I must say. Thank you so much for staying with me.


	5. let me hear you say

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You have a beautiful heart, Yuuri,” Victor smiled, half-lidded eyes and stretched out in the warmth of the hot spring soothing the aches and pains of a hard day's skate.  
> Yuuri blushed, “No, not really.”
> 
> [Posted 12.28.2016, was initially a brief note to mark my decision to go on hiatus until the anime ended]

 

Katsuki Yuuri was a bit of an enigma, earnest and serious but also hopelessly late and more than a little bit fun to tease. 

Victor watches Yuuri, because he learnt his lesson from his first night in Hasetsu, and he finds out he’s just learning about who the ace skater of Japan is here, right now, in his home.

Katsuki Yuuri does not like taking up space, even in his own home. 

He is reserved, keeping to his own thoughts even though there are people who were willing to listen to him. He makes it a point to leave when he feels uneasy, and pours his heart out alone.

Even though his parents are warm and his sister is understanding. 

Katsuki Yuuri is surrounded by very supportive people in general, Victor notices. They accommodate Yuuri’s glass heart with an ease that belies the five years Yuuri wasn’t at home. Even the regulars at the onsen cheer him on when he passes by, and the fisherman at the bridge.

Yuuri messes up his jumps when he overthinks the technique, but also when something is bothering him. 

As Yuuri picks himself up from the ice, Victor wonders which it was this time.

* * *

He isn’t sure if his heart will break for anyone at this point. He’s probably the oldest skater with an intact heart at this point, and he’s not exactly bitter, but  _ Christophe’s _ found his soulmate when he was twenty-three and Victor isn't privy to the sordid details but it seems to have involved the application of his pole-dancing street cred in some obscure Genevan pub. 

He doesn’t exactly flaunt how his heart faded green to amber now, instead of just green. But he’s shared a pool with Chris at many a competition and he was happy for his friend, really, but he couldn’t help the pang of envy that shot through him when he saw Chris’s heart in person, or subtly glimpsed in one of his Instagram posts.

In the meantime, though, he should focus on getting Yuuri competition ready. 

Yuuri lost points for flubbing his jumps but presentation wise, he really was world class. It might be expecting too much of Yuuri to attempt three kinds of quads but Yuuri is stubborn when he sets his mind to it, and he is driven now.

Now, how to build up his confidence?

Support him, that was a given, but how? Hmm. 

What should he tell him?

When it occurred to him, Victor almost laughed. Obviously, what he was doing there.

He will tell him the truth later, that his presence, being his coach, was because he saw the way Yuuri’s body moved and it felt like he could breathe properly for the first time in his life. Not in so many words, obviously, but Victor remembers the banquet and he looks back on the whole affair fondly. He remembers the paso doble, remembers the warmth of Yuuri’s hand on his thigh, remembers laughing so hard he had to fight the laughter long enough to breathe. 

It’s very rare anyone stuns Victor breathless, but Katsuki Yuuri effortlessly removed the stale air from his lungs and supplied him with fresh, clean air.

* * *

 

“You have a beautiful heart, Yuuri,” Victor smiled, half-lidded eyes and stretched out in the warmth of the hot spring soothing the aches and pains of a long day's skate.

Yuuri blushed, “No, not really.”

It really was, though. Victor was always honest, and Yuuri’s heart glittered as it caught the light, the deep blue violet tones suiting his complexion. It looked beautiful, and there is the added dose of satisfaction that Yuuri had shown his heart to him willingly, and it had merely taken his patience to get the younger skater to open up to him.

“Don’t be ridiculous, it’s a lovely heart that suits you perfectly. It’s surprising yours hasn’t broken yet, I suppose.” Victor laughed suddenly. “I don’t believe have the right to talk though.”

Yuuri looked down nervously, self-consciously. It doesn’t look like he’s a person who can harm anyone, the way he is. But Victor’s seen him, he’s seen the devastating effect of Katsuki Yuuri and he can’t wait to show the rest of the world.

He will give Yuuri a program that will push him beyond his personal limits because he knows, without a doubt, that he could do it. It wasn’t a delusion. Yuuri was theoretically, physically capable of winning. He claimed to be mentally weak, but Victor has seen him perform, knew him better than he thought.

Victor watches Yuuri carefully, sees how he protects his soft insides with a carefully constructed shell that let no one in, even the easy encouragement freely given to him.

A high difficulty program to maximize the way he felt the music. Victor could construct one no problem. And if Yuuri brought in that determination that makes his eyes sparkle with purpose, Victor knows Yuuri can silence the whole  _ world _ and keep their eyes on him.

* * *

 

He gets Yuuri to call Celestino because _evidently_ Yuuri has problems assessing his own capabilities.

Victor Nikiforov feels a bit judged from last season’s banquet, with Celestino’s words telling him to quit playing coach but his tone telling him to cut it out because he saw Victor and Yuuri during that banquet and he knew something was up, but Victor shook off the accusation with aplomb. 

The fact that Yuuri had once brought some music to Celestino Cialdini was telling. The fact that he’d backed off and let Celestino pick the music and the choreography as usual was unsurprising.

Victor asks Yuuri to show him that piece he brought, scolded him a bit for not telling him because if there has been one thing Victor has tried to impress on Yuuri’s consciousness since showing up in Hasetsu, it’s that Yuuri should trust him more and feel free to tell him anything.

Also, he derives a lot of enjoyment leaning in close and making Yuuri blush.

* * *

 

The song Yuuri showed him was… _well,_ lukewarm at best. Certainly it was pretty sounding, but it had no climax. It was the BGM of an inconsequential moment, not the piece that could take gold in any competition.

He wanted to push Katsuki Yuuri, prod him into the best skater he could be because he had everything he needed already, there was something just… missing.

When Yuuri shows up for practice still without the free skate music, Victor is less surprised but more disappointed.

Yuuri should try being more decisive, more assertive.

Yuuri doesn’t know his own influence, it seems. Even now.

When Katsuki Yuuri skates, Victor’s eyes are drawn to him, magnetized. When he fails, rough and raw and frustrated, Victor can't help but analyze what he lacks.

_Ah,_ he says, and promptly asks Yuuri to imagine a lover while he skates. Yuuris’s reaction is startling, Victor supposes, but much deserved.

He is promptly apologetic, but Victor knows he has struck a nerve.

Yuuri skates better when he feels the emotion of what he is performing, but also has zero experience to draw from.

Victor asks him to think about his soulmate, and that is the last time Yuuri acknowledges things that come out of Victor’s mouth for days.

* * *

 

_Let’s go somewhere,_ Victor asks, in a convoluted plan to lead Yuuri to find a muse come hell or high water.

_Let’s take a bath together_ , Victor asks, partially because Yuuri’s heart is pretty and partially because since coming to Hasetsu he finds baths infinitely more fun than it used to be.

_Let’s sleep together_ , Victor asks, and when the door slams shut he doesn’t get hurt the same way he did the first time Yuuri rejected his offer, but it still stung.

You could chalk it up to Victor Nikiforov not being used to being rejected, but.

Yuuri doesn’t know the _impact_ he has on people, doesn’t seem to acknowledge the claim he’s made in Victor’s feelings those months ago.

* * *

 

When Yuuri ditches practice, it is the last straw. Victor barges in the room to drag him out, but apparently he didn’t need to.

Well.

Victor brings him to the ocean and spills out his heart.

Physically, Victor practically wears his heart on his sleeve. Actually, though? He doesn’t talk much about his feelings to anyone, because there just weren't many people he felt comfortable talking to about it.

He’d once talked about soulmates with _Yakov_ , so that pretty much… went as well as it sounded like.

Yuuri talks about his experience in Detroit and  _ wow _ , not that he didn’t know already but Yuuri was a bit cold, wasn’t he?

But it anything has been learned the past few days it’s this: Yuuri didn’t open his heart up readily, so his comfort levels should be respected at all times. Also, Katsuki Yuuri is not and has never been weak, and his support system is solid but somehow he isn’t quite aware how much it’s okay to entrust to them and ends up carrying too much on his own.

Also, Yuuri hates disappointing Victor Nikiforov with a burning passion that is probably only exceeded by his hatred of losing and…

Victor is okay with that. Father, brother, friend or lover, Victor is ready to be whatever Yuuri needs.

When Yuuri asks him to be just Victor, his is moved beyond even his own words can express.

Well, there isn’t anything else he can do with that aside from being the best damn coach Yuuri has ever had, even if Yuuri will curse him at the end for the exhaustion. That’s Victor’s brand of tough love, and has never been very effective.

Slowly, slowly, he thinks, they could work on learning more about each other. 

Victor thinks he could grow to love Katsuki Yuuri, if he is his soulmate.

He half-thinks he already loves him, even if he isn’t Victor's soulmate, actually.

* * *

 

Yuuri asks the person who did the music to redo it, and that glittering light in his eyes is exactly what Victor is looking for.

He wants to see it, see Yuuri’s skate with all of his heart and soul and love and life put into it.

And when Yuuri asks him to teach him all the jumps Victor Nikiforov can do, with those eyes, Victor can hardly refuse.

When Yuuri keeps practicing when Victor feels a bit like a drowning fish, he can’t help but acknowledging Yuuri’s stamina. It was a bit of a pink elephant in the room. Victor knows Yuuri can outdance three competitive figure skaters while he is drowning up to his eyeballs in champagne, but Yuuri can keep going longer than anyone might expect when he puts his mind to it.

When Yuuri pokes the whorl of his hair while he is fixing his skate, Victor is startled. But also, he is a bit touchy about his receding hairline, so he gets some satisfaction from Yuuri’s desperation to get him up from the ice, wailing about his clothes getting wet.

* * *

Yuuri’s free skate music, when it arrives, is the epitome of good things come to wait.

It is perfect, and Victor will choreograph the best damn thing to show off Yuuri’s abilities if it was the last thing he did.

Yuuri changes the theme, and  _ that _ is perfect too.

* * *

The assignments come out and Yuuri stiffens like a plank of wood and is genuinely terrified even though everyone is supremely confident and Victor is certain Yuuri will outclass everyone's performance in the domestic competition.

He is confident enough he probably worries more for Makkachin staying home, which, honestly, Makkachin is pretty used to, now.

Well, he couldn’t complain. Yuuri trying his hardest was pretty beautiful.

* * *

Also, when Yuuri names his free skate song, _that_ was perfect, too.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally churned out chapter 5! I had some difficulty getting into Victor's POV but I hope it satisfies. Hopefully chapter 6 will also be out before the new year, but I can't promise it like, without a doubt.


	6. let me hear your voice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuuri agrees, if reluctantly, and the Makkachin tissue box barks at him.
> 
> Victor Nikiforov, five time Worlds champion and everything, is adorable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! This is the first chapter notification in a long while! I've rewritten chapters 1-4 and you might want to check if you've read chapter 5 already before reading this!

The Chugoku, Shikoku and Kyushu Figure Skating Championship was nerve wracking because Yuuri can feel the impending trainwreck keenly. Also, being five years older than everyone else wasn’t actually helping his nerves.

Victor nonchalantly making statements like he believes in Yuuri is zero percent reassuring.

 _Take it easy and get a personal best,_ he says. It may be that simple for him, but in Yuuri’s humble experience it is in fact _never_ that simple.

He tells Victor so, letting the words that fall in the torrent he was unable to let loose all those months ago. He’s told Victor repeatedly, after all. Contrary to Victor’s maybe delusions, he didn’t have zero mistakes. In fact, everything he did in his performances was a mistake. It was depressing because the people’s concern for his wellbeing was so touching but the fact was simply that there was absolutely nothing physically wrong with him in the first place. Despite the fact that he was the most likely to win, he lost because he simply got too nervous to skate.

 _Wow_ , Victor says, and Yuuri is desperately grateful for this man’s well-meaning support but also sometimes he gets the feeling Victor isn’t used to being supportive.

* * *

  
Victor tries, though, and that effort was kind of cute.

He holds up the Makkachin tissue holder like it’s alive and cheers for Yuuri and Yuuri at this point feels like he will never be calm and will topple over on sheer nerves but manages to pull himself together, barely.

He isn’t confident but he’s almost half convinced himself that the other skaters didn’t matter so that was a good thing, wasn’t it?

Don’t be overwhelmed, he thinks.

He is, in fact, the most overwhelming skater in the rink, but somehow this does not matter and he is probanly more nervous than the youngest skater skating for the first time.

Breathe, Yuuri.

Focus. Focus.

* * *

Yuuri was not okay, the competition is starting and Victor was missing, where was he even?

He acknowledges this is kind of codependent and probaably unhealthy and he's not sure exactly when it started, but Victor had been growing into someone that, more and more, he relied on. Never mind that he is flashy and lowkey vain and overconfident, though is it really overconfidence when you are Victor Nikiforov?

Speaking of flashy, the suit is, well. It's a good look on him, and he cheerfully goes on and on about inconsequential things, because Yuuri has tuned hi out because he is absolutely not ready for this in his life and he is going to die.

He makes his way onto the ice without even thinking about it, and probably everyone in the whole arena can sense how nervous he is here, today, as he tries to gather the shreds of his focus into something passably believable and failing.

As the warmup ends, Yuuri skates to the side while the others skate off the ice and Victor, well, Victor definitely does not looked pleased. Yuuri briefly wonders why, but Victor demands that he turn around at once, immediately, and Yuuri is just plain confused until he feels Victor's sigh in his ear and feels the warmth of Victor's embrace. Cameras flash to the periphery of his vision but his attention is all on his coach.

Victor tells him to seduce him with his performance, and Yuuri _should be used_ to Victor saying shit like that all the time but his heart is still woefully unprepared and is probably beating triple time right now, he wouldn't be surprised.

He takes a deep breath, and settles into character.

The initial response of the crowd is lukewarm at best, Yuuri recalls the cheers at Hasetsu during the Onsen on Ice event and it was definitely more enthusiastic.

No matter.

Now that his head is much clearer, he focuses on the step sequence, on what Victor would probably like to see. He is the best pork cutlet bowl, a dish Victor Nikiforov himself loves.

He is a pork cutlet bowl that enthralls men.

He doesn't do very well at the quad salchow, but he thinks he does pretty well on the next sequence, though he messes up his planned combination, a quad double was still pretty good.

At the end of his performance the people applaud him but one voice stood out among the rest. He briefly wondered who it was but got sidetracked by Victor's face, which was outwardly smiling but decidedly Not Pleased.

As Yuuri got out of the ice, he was scolded promptly on most of his elements and. Yuuri wasn't expecting to be really good, but Victor's comments stung like barbed darts. _Poisoned_ barbed darts.

 _No pressure_ he said, along with the nonchalant belief that Yuuri would score above a hundred points regardless that his previous personal best had been a mere eighty-something.

Though the score was definitely high and above his previous personal best, and he couldn't help but be hopeful for this, his last season on the ice.

* * *

Yuuri had never been good at interviews, even promoting the onsen which he has lived for almost two decades of his life was difficult-- the words catch in his throat and somehow though his lips open, he can't seem to get them to form the proper words He's just managed to promise to do his best in the free skate when the tiny, younger skater that has been making him uneasy during the warmups and practice asked him if he'd watched his Lohengrin performance which, hro be honest he might have watched it if he hadn't had an interview, but really it wasn't, say, the drop everything and watch interest that this boy might have expected. He hoped he sounded the right amount of apologetic.

Then the boy shows off that costume and, honestly it was a blast from the past but not in a fun way.

And Yuuri has never been particularly tactful, but damn if the boy hadn't spoken of his admiration with an impressive level of fervor. And a challenge. And the boy appears to have been the one to thoroughly thrash him last year's performance and he seems to have been a really great fan. Yuuri would be moved if he wasn't so mortified.

* * *

Victor tries to get him to lower the difficulty of the free skate program. Yeah, Yuuri knows deep down that he doesn't need all the quads to score fell enough to qualify. But reducing the quads would be like not taking his opponents seriously enough to consider them a real threat.

But Victor...

Victor was his coach, wanted what was best for him, and most importantly-- knew what he was talking about. Lower the jump difficulty, he told Yuuri, to focus on the program components. And Yuuri gets it, he does, but this was against his principles as a skater... but Victor tells him adorably shy, hiding behind the ridiculous Makkachin tissue holder.

Victor doesn't like being pushy, Yuuri finds. He puts himself out and hopes you accept him but when it came right down to it, Victor Nikiforov did all he could to give Yuuri the space he needed to feel comfortable, and Yuuri will be forever grateful for that.

 _Can't you listen to your coach?_ Victor asks cutely and if half a year ago you had told Yuuri that this would be his life, being subjected to Victor's Makkachin-inspired puppy dog eyes that should be illegal, Yuuri would have outright laughed at you.

Yuuri agrees, if reluctantly, and the Makkachin tissue box barks at him.

Victor Nikiforov, five time Worlds champion and everything, _is adorable_.

 

* * *

One quad. With only one quad, Yuuri is still likely to win provided he didn't self-destruct.

Even so, the younger skaters are striving beyond their limits, and it just didn't seem fair that Yuuri would downgrade his own program. He overhears them talking about trying to do a quad even if they'd never landed one once! Even during practice, and Yuuri ached.

He was never really one hundred percent confident in his skating, because his nerves had a life of their own. He didn't win the trophies back home by playing safe...

Yuuri isn't proud of effectively snubbing Minami, but he had a lot on his mind, but Victor's pulling him aside to tell him that he wouldn't be able to motivate himself because he couldn't even motivate other people? Ghat was completely harsh. And uncalled for.

But what hurt the most? Victor being disappointed in him and shattering what little calm he was able to muster.

* * *

Minami was nervous, and almost as pouty as Victor. Even Yuuri, who hadn't watched his performance yesterday, noticed this was unusual.

Yuuri knew that it was sort of his fault, but how could he fix it?

He dithered over a few options, realized there was really only one he could live with, and cheered Minami on with all his heart. Whatever embarrassment he felt from making a spectacle of himself was wiped away by Minami's dazzling smile, who looked like Yuuri hung up the moon.

And, well.

The energy of Minami's skating was infectious, you could see he genuinely enjoyed performing and though he landed his quad toe, his overall performance was so inconsistent Yuuri was genuinely close to having flashbacks of his darker days.

But no, Minami had claimed he didn't have a dark past. Somehow, for all Yuuri's stumbling around, he'd managed to inspire aat least one person in the whole of Japan. That was kind of amazing.

And, well. That didn't actually make him feel much better about himself-- how other people admired him basically went over his head because he found the mere prospect baffling, but it was good for Minami, at least, so he was kind of happy for him?

Yuuri left halfway through the performance because he didn't need to see it through to the end to know Minami would shine, so he leaves to warm up alone.

Stretching and warming up was something he was so used to he hardly had to think about it. Instead, normally, he focused on the music, or he tried to drown out the impending feeling of doom with happier thoughts.

He goes out to breathe in the crisp autumn air in an effort to clear his mind. It doesn't work exactly, but ssometimes it's in the attempts. At this point, he feels--well, not ready--but at peace, somehow.

Focused.

* * *

He heads for the rink and sees Minami staring. His resolve to treat all these skaters like equals, like real competition, with no holds barred, crystalized into a signgle point of intent. He was going to try his damnednest to skate a program he hasn't quite perfected all the individual elements of yet.

That was his art. Victor would just have to learn to deal with Katsuki Yuuri.

Passing Minami by, he smacks the small of his back, as a challenge. He misses Minami's look of complete bafflement, but he can guess what it looks like, he muses as he takes off the jacket and reveals his FS costume for the first time.

He's not certain Victor has sensed what he's planning, if he senses the internal change within him that has figured out how he wanted to deal with this competition, but it seems like he hasn't.

He calls Yuuri the most beautiful in the costume, though. Which, obviously, Yuuri does not believe, but it was still sweet. He strokes Yuuri's hair, and Yuuri remembers nights at Yu-topia planning out this costume, figuring what hairstyle would suit it best, and his heart feels an overwhelming fondness for Victor Nikiforov, compounded by the feeling of admiring him for his entire skating career, basically.

Then, he takes a tub of lip balm from his pocket and traces his finger over Yuuri's lips because his lips are chapped and Yuuri doesn't know what Victor thinks he is doing, but he rolls with it the way he's accepted a lot of the things Victor does as thingss Victor Nikiforov does in order to surprise people but also things that are not to be dwelt on because it isn't good for his heart.

Victor draws him into an embrace, and after a beat, Yuuri embraces him back. No matter what happens by the end of the GPF, he will have these moments. And no matter how professional or unprofessional Victor has been to be a proper coach, Yuuri will always hold these moments close to his heart.

* * *

Each moment of Yuri on Ice corresponds witth a significant moment in his life as a skater. To be honest, it was a little embarrassing, but his free skate routine was basically a love song to ice skating itself as he has experienced it.

And at its heart, was what Victor has done for him. He can't quite get his facial expressions to flow naturally, and victor will probably be indignant with how Yuuri has interpeted his arrival and Victor will probably pout about it later, but first he will lecture Yuuri on his quad salchow.

He realizes something like love as the program progresses, and the choreography melts into something he could admit to being beautiful.

Of course.

Victor had choreographed it.

He messes up the triple flip and missed his combination but he keeps up the momentum, and the audience finds they can't look away.

When he does the last jump, a quad toe straight into the wall, he doesn't have the liesure of picking himself up. He powers himself through the program and holds his arms up at Victor because this is who he has been reaching for all this time.

After his performance, there are tears all around the room, but his eyes search for Victor. What does Victor think? When they find him, he doesn't look at all happy, covering his face.

Is he angry?

Disappointed?

Yuuri hesitates.

Victor holds his arms up for a hug and for that moment, literally nothing else in the world matters aside from those outstretched arms. Yuuri will admit he tears up a little, tears mingling with blood from the impact with the wall.

Yuuri heads for Victor, skating full-pelt, and the collision he makes with the floor as Victor narrowly evades him is impressive.

What follows next is a series of brutal backhanded compliments that leave Yuuri twice as exhausted as he was originally, but Minami is still a cheerfull ball of sunshine who challenges him next year and Yuuri is hard pressed to say no, even though he knows he wouldn't be a next time.

Also, he signs autographs for his fellow skaters and poses for commemorative photos which, he will not dwell on resemblances to certain events from a few months back.

But Yuuri reflects and realizes he did genuinely have fun this competition, which was a refreshing change from the other competitions he used to participate in.

But he reaalized one thing else. He really, really, really didn't want to lose this season.

* * *

At the press conference, he is stiff. Stiffer than usual, even--he's been spoilt, with Victor usually at his side and fielding a lot of the questions he couldn't answer well.

He is requested, firmly, to reveal his theme for the year, and Yuuri unveils it with trembling fingers and a blushing face, but speaks with a voice full of conviction.

It isn't all planned out in his head reall. He had an outline, but when he was in front, he basically word vomited what he felt and he is going to regret it in the morning, he knows, because when he embarrasses himself, the shame will be tenfold and he isn't prepared for that.

He essentially confesses he loves Victor, more than loves him, in front of a live studio audience and also the rest of the figure skating fandom in Japan and some other interested people from overseas.  
Victor tries to burn his tie when he gets home, for no reason he could fathom.

Then, he takes Yuuri aside. “Talk to me, please," he told Yuuri, eyes earnest. "I’m still learning.”

Yuuri smiled at him. “ _We’re_ still learning.”

Victor smiles back and takes his hand and squeezes it and Yuuri thinks that face? Full of sunshine and rainbows and all good things, should be illegal, he looked so beautiful.

Victor honestly believes Yuuri can make it. He invested a lot of time and effort because of his belief

And, when someone like Victor Nikiforov says he believes in you, you believe him.

* * *

After, Yuuri soaked in the bath, alone.

He stretches his aching muscles, let everything that has happened sink into his pores and studies at his own heart for the first time in a long time and realizes that his heart may be cracking, tiny cracks spiderwebbing together third of the way through. He isn't sure of the way it was going to break yet, but...

He realizes what he's said in the press conference earlier.

He realizes Victor is quite possibly his soulmate, though he'd seen Victor soaking earlier and his heart was still crystal clear.

Maybe his soulmate isn't Victor.

But he's said all those things, in front of so many people.

He would not be surprised if he woke up to be the subject of five different memes to be honest.

He covered his face in shame and wills himself to drown.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> God for the longest time, before the rewrite announcement, i was lowkey worried because my only line was talk to me please, i’m still learning, and well. I checked back like twentyfour hours before the twelfth ep and… It’s very relevant to them, I think, because what I really like about YoI is that yup, there is a lot of instinctive understanding going around but, also, they are adults and they are looking for an adult relationship and it shows.
> 
> I was trying very hard to push this out before the New Year. Right now, I am touristing in Osaka, so I've not been able to do the usual number of rereads before posting. Heehee. I hope you enjoyed this one, thouh I might get back to this later. I think I word-vomited a lot.
> 
> Happy New Year all! May we find relationships as meaningful and mature as Victor and Yuuri have.


	7. show me your heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Hey, Yuuri,” Victor smiled in the dark of the hotel room that night, as Yuuri exited the bath. “Could I see your heart?”
> 
> Yuuri hesitated, but obliged.
> 
> The gleaming purple-blue of his heart resembled the color of his free-skate costume. It really was beautiful.

Makkachin has been Victor's closest companion for years. She had accompanied Victor to his first apartment, and had met each of his possible partners when they had been dating (she approved of none of them, which was probably a sign) while she was generally very well behaved, she sometimes got ridiculous notions in her head. And Victor wasn't really nervous about it, but Makkachin was no longer a young puppy who could bounce back from all sorts of mishaps.

He gives her extra attention today, because since coming to Hasetsu it's the first time in a long time that he will be away from her for long.

Yuuri is worried they will miss their flight. Victor is not at all worried, except for the state of his back after the plane ride--it's been a while since he rode economy.

Hmm, maybe some champagne would be good? He still remembers Yuuri that night.

Yuuri was amazing. Is amazing.

Yuuri is also very, very comfy, and trying to get comfortable in a very cramped economy class airplane seat was pretty much worth every square inch of shared warmth.

* * *

Yuuri is, at best, nervous when it comes to being interviewed, and absent today is the stubborn determination that let him say those heartwrenchingly honest things during the press conference the other day or after the Onsen on Ice interview a few months ago.

But also, they were in China, so _obviously_ they needed to eat hotpot. He remembers extracting the promise from Yuuri, interfering with his packing until he had agreed, exasperated but with a fond smile.

It's all too easy to drag Yuuri off, winning smile in place as he announces the hotpot plans, and then he sees Yakov.

He misses Yakov, actually. The period he spent in Hasetsu has been the longest he hasn't seen Yakov ever since he met him. He's told Yuuri stories sometimes, in the onsen or huddled close after dinner, when they've been trying to get to know each other more. Victor detailed stories of apoplectic rage and well-meaning tirades post-competition and Yuuri had laughed at each one.

He invited Yakov to eat hotpot because he's shared so many meals with the Katsukis, but this was the closest Yuuri would get to meeting his own family. Yakov's subsequent outburst was... unsurprising, but also mildly upsetting.

 _I want to throw up,_ he had said, _whenever I see you playing pretend coach._

And, ouch.

Victor might not be really ready to be coach? As a skater under Yakov, he had developed the utmost respect for him-- coaching different people with different personalities and quirks was difficult.

Also, he hadn't decided to coach Yuuri on a whim, after all. Coaching was a viable career option that kept him near what he loved, and he would have thought Yakov would understand him, at least.

Apparently not.

 _Talk to me when you're ready to plead to return,_ he's told curtly.

And okay, that stung.

* * *

Victor doesn't exactly go wild ordering things off the menu, but he comes pretty close. He orders Shanghai crab, _because we're here, Yuuri!_ Drunken shrimp, _because it would be irresponsible for me to get wasted before your big day so I'm living vicariously through these shrimp!_ And duck blood, _which, really, explained itself._

Apparently Yuuri avoids raw food before a competition, which makes perfect sense, because he remembers vaguely this one skater Yakov had as a student a few years back, who made the unfortunate mistake of drinking milk tea despite being lactose intolerant. The subsequent diarrhea had not been pretty, and neither had been her performance.

Meanwhile, Yuuri is being limp again, worried that he's made a statement he couldn't keep again and Victor agrees with that at least.

Yuuri has rather a knack of making memorable statements.

And Phichit Chulanont arrives and Yuuri moves to sit beside him and Celestino Cialdini arrives and the quiet hotpot dinner he's envisioned becomes much livelier than he's imagined.

It felt like hours, but it was probably closer to just one hour, but since Celestino had ordered a beer, Victor had considered himself allowed to drink after all, and he's not felt this loose in ages, but Yuuri was beside him, so hopeful for tomorrow it was almost painful, and there was Victor himself, who was making his debut on the international stage for the first time and he was absolutely allowed to take a cup of liquid courage.

The next thing he notices is that his vision has been getting rather a bit more blurry, Phichit Chulanont seems determined to photo-document everything and would probably upload the choicest bits on social media before anyone present was the wiser.

Also, the restaurant they'd picked was stifling.

* * *

Victor could _absolutely_ hold his liquor. Unlike someone he could mention.

But Yuuri was comfortable beside him, trusting Victor who has zero background in coaching other people but he's given this his all. Besides, he's not supposed to make Yuuri worry and he isn't exactly nervous anyways, but he is _concerned_ about the tomorrow they would face together.

He wanted a hot spring, immediately. Those always made him feel better.

Phichit and Celestino could come too, it would be so great.

Yuuri is soft though, and Victor wasn't cold. In fact, he's taken his shirt off already to combat the heat, but embracing Yuuri feels as natural as breathing, and he absolutely doesn't want to let go. He also invites everyone to the onsen, even Leo de la Iglesia and Ji Guanghong who have just arrived and have no idea what is happening.

Phichit Chulanont wails as Celestino looks like he is dying but also he is still taking photos so it probably isn't fatal and Victor wishes everyday could be this fun.

The hot springs in Hasetsu were _really_ great, though. He'd definitely go back for a soak very soon.

Did hot springs need pants? No. Hmm. Underwear?

Not very.

* * *

Yuuri was really beautiful. And warm. He manages to coax Victor into his shirt and pants, though Guanghong accidentally flings Victor's underwear into the remains of the shrimp and Victor couldn't very well wear those. Yuuri takes Victor's wallet to pay for everything, which was completely warranted, but pays for the cab to take them back to the hotel himself.

With a long suffering sigh, he awkwardly manages to get Victor into their hotel room and helps him with his belt and shoes. Victor sleepily tries to get Yuuri to join him in lieu of Makakchin, but Yuuri gently pulls away and Victor, though half-asleep, feels more than a little bit disappointed.

* * *

The next day, Victor hasn't checked Instagram, but based on Yuuri's face figures Phichit managed to post something incriminating. His complexion was almost ashen, even as Victor hears Phichit talking about his overwhelming internet thirst and, okay, Victor gets it, even if Yuuri doesn't.

Speaking of Yuuri, Victor notices he's trembling and pale, muttering something about people thinking that Katsuki Yuuri was not taking the Cup of China if he has the time to fool around before the competition, and, that wasn't fair, but before victor could go and reassure Yuuri, Chris manages to sling an easy arm around Yuuri and manages to grope his ass.

Victor doesn't know if yuuri's face and the tips of his ears are turning red because of chris's words or actions, but he doesn't like it.

Victor is absolutely not jealous, but asks Chris how he is, just to be polite.

Christophe was an excellent skater who was always true to himself, but he was also a bit of a drama queen. He claims he can't get motivated without Victor to stand between him and the podium but he seems to disregard the threat the other skaters pose, for now. Well Victor is confident Chris will realize sooner than later.

Some skaters from the Russian team call him, and he manages to smile when they cheerfully tell him to break up with Yuuri already, like Yuuri hasn't the best thing to happen to him in years. He doesn't get angry, exactly, but it is a near thing.

Well, in just a few moments, Yuuri will show the world.

* * *

Yuuri surprises him sometimes, usually when he thinks he's finally figured Yuuri out some small detail makes him realize he doesn't actually know Yuuri as well as he thought, jsut give him time and space if he needed it. Like how he'd managed to come up his free skate music, or how he'd interpreted Eros-- he'd laughed so hard he actually cried a little, that time, or how he would answer Victor when asked what he wanted.

Right now, Yuuri is flushed with exertion even just from the warmup and honestly, Victor doesn't know what to think. It's beyond the determination he's showed in the past, today Yuuri is so focused he's not even sure he would hear Victor calling him.

Chris is concerned, but Victor is confident in Yuuri's skating if not in his nerves, and today Yuuri looks like he could do anything he puts his mind to.

* * *

What does a coach say to a skater? Victor figured it depended on what the skater needed, because certainly Yakov does not tell himself or Georgi or Yurio or Mila the same things. He's spent ages refining what he felt would give Yuuri the most reassurance. Today it's this: Yuuri is already a world-class skater in his own right, and needs to rely less on picturing things or people to seduce the crowd, because he in himself is enough.

Victor tells more than asks Yuuri if he can picture seducing Victor and the crowd as Katsuki Yuuri alone, and he put his hand over Yuuri's clenched fist, and wills his message through.

He doesn't know what he expected, but it certainly wasn't Yuuri interlacing their fingers and drawing up close and demanding that Victor watch him without taking his eyes off him.

Victor knows objectively that Yuuri was beautiful, but his heart skipped a beat at that moment.

* * *

Why was Yuuri different today, though? Yesterday he had been the same as usual, but today, something in his demeanor reassured Victor that Yuuri would blow the competition out of the water. This, out of nowhere, was the confidence Yuuri needed but couldn't muster up before.

It was puzzling. What had gotten into him?

And Yuuri tilts his head just so and licks his lips and _wow_ , okay, Victor is brought back to the evening of the previous year's GPF banquet because _damn._ That was great.

Yuuri's step sequence was his own flair, and excecuted flawlessly. The spread eagle transitioned into the triple axel beautifully and if Victor wasn't already half in-love with Yuuri, he certainly was now.

Victor didn't know exactly what was going on in Yuuri's head when he skated the way he did, but it was _very Eros._

It took Yuuri taking away the pork cutlet bowl and the beautiful woman to embody the program as he had envisioned it: just Katsuki Yuuri as he was that night all thosee months ago, when he gave Victor something he didn't even realize the value of.

A brief scan of the crowd revealed them to be just as enthralled as he was.

Yuuri nails his last jump, the quad toe triple toe and Victor is ecstatic. He jumps up, uncaring of the raw excitement on his face, and cheers with the rest of Yuuri's fans.

That was perfect, absolutely perfect, and Victor is ready to proclaim it from the rooftops, to the whole world!

He holds up his arms up for their customary hug, but Chris looked supremely judgey as he pointed out that the Kiss and Cry was rather far away from where they were currently standing. Which, _point._ Victor hurried.

* * *

Victor hadn't actually been this happy in a long time, even when he flawlessly delivered a perfect routine and won his second, third, fourth, or fifth consecutive Grand Prix or Worlds gold. He isn't sure why, but he is currently too blissed out to reflect on the implications.

 _Yuuri,_ he asked, voice still breathy with the excitement. _Did it feel great?_

Yuuri is stiff as a board, though, and replied simply, hoping people were happy watching him. Which, um, in Victor's most professional and unhumble opinion, was a major understatement, but the score was released and as expected, Yuuri has pulled off a personal best and scored well above a hundred.

Ugh Yuuri was completely and utterly gorgeous and he was so unaware Victor was almost in physical pain. Yuuri squinted at the screen because his eyesight without his glasses was actually atrocious. It was adorable.

 _Of course they'd feel good,_ he told Yuuri instead. _They'd been treated to such a display._

_You're the best student, Yuuri._

* * *

As Yuuri settled in to watch the rest of the skaters, Victor couldn't help draping himself all over Yuuri just to check if he was just as comfortable as he was last night. (The answer is yes, Yuuri is warm and fluffy and was about as comfy as Makkachin was.)

They discuss Chris's program, with Victor's input because he's known him the longest, and honestly, though, Victor knows Chris will do passably well, though nothing close to his peak performance. But if Chris wasn't actively bringing out every milliliter of his sex appeal today, Victor didn't know what else he could be doing. He brought it out in every sway, in every glide of his skate, and Yuuri comments Chris has won the award for sex appeal today, but Victor knows Yuuri has won months ago, and though Chris may deny it, Yuuri's violently innocent sex appeal already has shown it's results-- it brought Victor to Hasetsu, after all.

* * *

Yuuri is in the lead. This is what is important.

Yakov calling him a third rate coach stung, but in doing so, he'd acknowledged Victor as a coach in his own right. Which, it wasn't saying much, but it was an improvement.

Also, Yuuri claiming he'd win with the power of love was cute, but the fact that he'd said _he'd do it with Victor_ , ah, that was Victor's favorite part.

* * *

Victor’s heart broke softly, then all at once.

It wasn’t a big thing- rather anticlimatically, his heart cleaved after Yuuri had stopped dancing Eros as a pork cutlet bowl and started dancing it as someone who could take Victor Nikiforov from the rest of the world.

Well that was his theory, but he hadn't noticed the exact moment the half-heart shard had separated until it had fallen out of his clothes, in the hotel. Tracing it back, he attributed his euphoric high to the aftereffects of his heart breaking. Thankfully, he was lucky enough to feel what it would be like to be with his soulmate, instead of what it felt like to be separated from his soulmate.

Well, at this point he was convinced Yuuri was his soulmate, at least, and Victor wanted nothing more than to announce it to Yuuri, to the whole world.

But what if Yuuri's heart hadn't broken yet? What if Yuuri's soulmate wasn't him, and what if his soulmate _wasn't Yuuri after all,_ and he was just projecting his wants onto his heart?

Victor thinks he should wait, at least until yuuri opens up to him a little more.

* * *

Yuuri had clearly not slept. He claims he slept lightly, but this was an obvious lie because his eyes were dead inside.

Victor will not stand for this. He drags him back to their room, strips him to his boxers and slaps an eye mask on him and flings him onto the bed.

A thought occurs to him, but he figures he will ask later, when Yuuri looks less like a zombie and more like a human being. Cheerfully, he tells Yuuri to sleep until the last minute because everything will be fine so long as he gets some sleep.

Victor settles down on top of Yuuri with relish, feeling happy and at peace. Somehow, it felt right.

Yuuri protests and asks Victor if he even set an alarm and Victor isn't an amateur, he has, in fact, set two alarms.

But Yuuri does not know this, because Victor is asleep.

* * *

The break was not effective, Victor notes, because in the evening, Yuuri can't even open his water bottle, his fingers are trembling so much.

 _Yuuri,_ he asked silkily, _were you unable to take a nap?_

Yuuri's answer is irrelevant, because his eyes were like a _trapped animal._

He forbids Yuuri from practicing jumps in the six-minute warm up time, but Yuuri is stubborn like a mule and also had picked up some unfortunate qualities from his coach, such as _not listening to well meaning authority._

He had known Yuuri had seriously fragile self-esteem, so any mistake he makes in the warm up will make him even more nervous for later.

He's proven right, but he takes no pleasure in it. He is witnessing one of Yuuri's meltdowns and he has no idea what to do.

 _Well,_ he says, trying futilely to reassure Yuuri-- at this point Victor isn't actually sure Yuuri is registering what he is saying as words. _It's common for skaters to nail something they flub in practice._

Yuuri does not appear to hear him, and also he turns off all the television screens outside and his face looks like it is carved of stone.

* * *

Yuuri is warming up on instinct, it seems, and Victor can't think of  anything to snap Yuuri out of his fugue state.

He's coming up with a blank, and Yuuri has moved from the yoga mat to the wall.

What can he do?

Then, he notices the cameras. The media, were rather like vultures who sensed impending death or sharks that smelled blood in the water.

He slings an easy arm around Yuuri's shoulders, hoping the weight and the warmth would ground him the way words don't seem to.

_What would be the best for Yuuri?_

_Where was the quietest place?_

It was strange, because Victor had never needed to be so self-aware before. Generally people just accepted that he was friendly with everyone but pretty poor at reading the atmosphere and adjusted accordingly, but with Yuuri, who kept so much bottled up inside him, Victor had to look at the details.

But it was a nice feeling, to need Yuuri and to want to try looking for things to make his eyes light up.

Sometimes, though, it was _so_ hard.

* * *

Yuuri doesn't want to watch but _he does._ It shows in how he asks Victor the rankings even though he'd turned all the screens off earlier. He was keyed up, and not in a good way.

Victor didn't know what to do.

He tries telling Yuuri to take deep breaths but at this point victor isn't even sure Yuuri can follow those directions.

Meanwhile, the cheers for Phichit Chulanont's free skate were impressive even in this underground parking lot. The walls vibrated and he could actually hear thr crowd.

When Victor's eyes fall on Yuuri's utterly petrified face, the half-heart in his chest spasms, reminds him how inexperienced he is in matters of the heart and _holy shit what does one do, even?_

"Don't listen!" Victor can hardly recognise his own voice, raw and full of an emotion he didn't quite understand himself. Was that his desperation? He claps his hands over Yuuri's ears and tries to meet his eyes, trying to narrow down his world to just the two of them.

The sheer panic in Yuuri's eyes were almost painful. Why was he so terrified? He couldn't even meet Victor's eyes, no matter how Victor tries to hold his gaze.

Victor doesn't know what to say or do, and it makes him uneasy.

Yuuri is functioning on just nerves and autopilot, and he tells Victor they should head back but Victor knows Yuuri isn't ready.

But how to make him ready?

He thinks of the half-heart in his coat pocket, wants to tell Yuuri but worried he wasn't ready. And from what he's learnt of Yuuri, telling him right now would end very poorly.

But, what if.

Figure skaters had fragile hearts. And Victor knew Yuuri's heart was brittle, if still unbroken.

So shatter it. Obviously.

* * *

He doesn't know what he was thinking but he knows he is a _terrible_ human being.

The image of Yuuri looking stricken, betrayed, before the tears started flowing will be seared in his mind forever.

 _A test,_ Yuuri had said, and it didn't matter what his intentions actually were, that was, in fact, what it had become _. What stakes could Katsuki Yuuri handle to become better?_ He had done well enough when the threat had been Victor going back to Russia, so what could Victor push him into becoming?

This was terrible, he didn't know what to say, what to do. What does he do with his hands, even.

Victor had been completely in the wrong, and he had even less idea how to handle this situation now that there was actual crying, and if Yuuri's heart had shattered this time, it had not been physical. And Victor _could not_ fix it.

Offering a kiss was a terrible idea placed precariously on top of all the other terrible ideas he has had thus far, but he honestly couldn't think of anything.

He had known Yuuri was insecure, but he hadn't realized it was this bad. Victor's decisions had been his own, and he didn't owe the world an explanation for flying off to Japan the way he had. But Yuuri worried, and Victor's heart couldn't settle down from that.

He was still beautiful though, and his plea, _stay by my side and don't leave,_ echoed Victor's own program last year, the feeling he was trying to convey, and if Victor's heart hadn't already broken earlier, it would have now, in this parking lot.

He understands now though, a little bit. Yuuri thinks Victor would leave him though he knows he won't. Yuuri didn't even need his words because lord knew words were hard. All he could do, all Yuuri was asking for, was support, to firm up that nascent belief in Victor and let it take root, enough so that Yuuri himself could believe it.

_Stay by his side._

Whatever Yuuri's demons have told him, Victor could do that.

"Hey," Victor says delicately. "Let me help you with your skates. We should head back now."

Yuuri nods almost imperceptibly.

And okay, that might be enough, just for now.

* * *

They walk in the stadium, not looking at each other. Can't look at each other, really. Even as Victor had helped Yuuri wih his skates, they were silent. No lingering glances, just focus and tension you could cut with a knife.

Yuuri's eyes were red and his nose was red but Victor says nothing because right now, he still didn't know what to say.

But he knew what he could do.

Victor takes Yuuri's water and his blade guards and holds them to his chest, feels the weight of Yuuri's ID alongside his own.

He was so unprepared for this. So much to learn, still, to be a better coach for Yuuri. He should have asked yakov, really.

He holds out the Makkachin tissue box so Yuuri could clear his sinuses and holds out his hand for the crumpled wad. Yuuri almost drops it into his palm, but changes his mind and moves to drop it on the ice. Victor's own movements were instinct, but Yuuri touching the whorl of his hair, patting his head? That was all deliberate, and Victor felt just a bit more hopeful.

* * *

Yuuri smiling as he flows through the program Victor choreographed for him was so beautiful Victor felt like bursting. Yuuri is so much stronger than he gives himself credit for and today he is perfect.

Well, not quite. But the crowd? Can't look away. Even Victor, who took a moment to glance away as Yuuri stumbled, felt his eyes drawn to Yuur's skating again and again and again. Yuuri thought so little of himself, but when he skated, he brings out the full emotion of the story he is telling. The stadium is filled not just by the accompanying music, but also with the music Yuuri's body makes when he skates.

Yuuri was amazing.

After his last, beautiful step sequence, he launches into his final jump and it is a quad flip and he stumbles on the landing but he gets up right away and _this boy, this boy will be the death of Victor Nikiforov just you watch._

Victor rushes faster than he ever has ever before.

* * *

He meets Yuuri at the exit port of the rink, and Yuuri has his hands outstretched, hopeful, and it's just so overwhelming.

 _Victor,_ he's saying, _I did great, right?_

No, Yuuri hadn't just done great. He had surpassed anything Victor could have dreamed of ever since that night in the banquet. Victor's feelings were too much. He's never been very good with feelings and now he doesn't know what to do with them.

He tackles Yuuri back onto the ice, kissing him soundly, but taking care to cradle his head and support his back as they both fall over.

Yuuri's smile is soft around the edges when he says _is that so?_ to Victor's poor excuse for kissing him so suddenly.

And Victor knows.

Whether this person was his soulmate or not, Victor Nikiforov loved Katsuki Yuuri with a passion. And from now on, he could only hope they keep surprising each other.

* * *

Victor held his half heart in his hand as Yuuri performed _Stammi Vicino, Non Te Ne Andare_ at the exhibition, the edges imprinting themselves into his palms. The warm feeling of being loved was enveloping him thoroughly.

He remembered when Yuuri had first asked his permission, shy and cheeks flushed.

To this day he wasn't sure if Yuuri was blushing due to embarrassment or because of the exertion.

He couldn't really describe how it had felt, but each time Yuuri skates _Stammi Vicino,_ it brings him to life.

Katsuki Yuuri has given him so much.

* * *

“Hey, Yuuri,” Victor smiled in the dark of the hotel room that night, as Yuuri exited the bath. “Could I see your heart?”

Yuuri hesitated, but obliged.

The gleaming purple-blue of his heart resembled the color of his free-skate costume. It really was beautiful.

Also, Yuuri's heart was still whole.

"May I touch it?"

Yuuri nods jerkily, once, and Victor can feel Yuuri's nervousness as he puts his palm over Yuuri's heart, feels the _lubdub lubdub lubdub_ and he closes his eyes and breathes and feels at peace.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In figuring out whose heart breaks first I had a significant search going on whether figure skating costumes had pockets and the results were disappointingly slim. My conclusion was that umm maybe not and also probably not a good idea to skate with a sharp shard of heart.  
> Also, for the scene where Victor totally made an innuendo, I was trying to say Victor found Yuuri totally hot but idk the classy way to put it.  
> Also, holy shit these chapters keep getting longer. I could only hope that chapter 9 will give me some respite, but there's simply so much material, I'm not going to hold my breath.  
> PS, I bought OH! SKATRA!!! and got a lovely sparkly Victor print and it was glorious.


	8. i see the brightest star

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If watching Yuri Plisetsky nail his program was like watching a fairy earn his wings, watching Katsuki Yuuri was like watching a crippled bird try to take flight. It was painful, but it _captivated_ you.
> 
> Yuuri’s love shone through in his performance, flawed as it was, and no one, not even the disgruntled fans who came for Victor, could look away.

When they arrive at the hotel, he slips away as Victor is completely bombarded by the press. Katsuki Yuuri wasn’t needed here.

He presses the elevator button to go up, and he’s not so much worried for tomorrow as he feels very keyed up, but he flinches, a little as Seung Gil waits beside him. He’s met Seung Gil, before, but unlike the Cup of China, there wasn’t anyone in Rostelecom's lineup that he’s friendly with.

The elevator was taking forever. The only consolation is that Seung Gil avoids talking to people so he doesn’t have to speak. Words were _so_ hard.

The elevator dings open, finally. Though, as it reveals the Crispino siblings and Emil Nekola, Yuuri regrets it.

Michele Crispino is  _ loud _ , and Yuuri remembers how he’s seen him last, in the Grand Prix final, sullen and judgy at Yuuri’s silence. Sara is trying to pacify him, and Yuuri remembers she’s genuinely nice, if a bit nosy.

Also apparently, she has a huge crush on Lee Seung Gil but she’s always been at least civil to everyone else.

But, right now, Yuuri edges away from the impending screamfest because he absolutely _does not_ need the drama.

Luckily, the next elevator arrives immediately but just before the doors close a foot interrupts. And Yurio enters, all incendiary rage as usual. Yuuri has missed him and the life he’s brought Hasetsu, though, and wishes him the best.

Yurio talks shit all the time, but he has a point. Yuuri has some wiggle room, but he can’t be complacent.

If he loses, Yurio is right. Victor will be staying in Russia.

He needs to be with Victor just a bit longer.

No, that wasn’t right.

Yuuri wanted, craved with an intensity he couldn’t quite put into words.

Please.

He’ll give him back to the world soon, so he can only hope he can hold on to him as best as he can now.

* * *

JJ Leroy spoke to him. This, obviously, was on purpose. JJ didn’t do casual smalltalk, at least not without good natured ribbing and a psyche out attempt.

Yuuri isn’t sure exactly what he says, and he says so. Meanwhile, Victor doesn’t look pleased at all.

JJ looms over him, even though Yuuri knows the age gap is four years he feels a little bit insignificant.

He told Victor he wants to see him land a quad loop, again, and Victor is curt and says he can’t remember and Yuuri feels relatively calm, actually.

* * *

When Victor ties Yuuri’s skates for him, Yuuri feels the first threads of nervousness. 

But Victor’s presence is calm, grounding. 

And him, on his knees, lets Yuuri feel like the world is just the two of them, and everything else is of little consequence.

* * *

The crowd is screaming for Victor, even if he isn’t the one competing. It is ridiculous. Victor is waving to them, indulgent monarch to his people. This  _ cannot _ stand.

Yuuri grabs Victor’s tie, pulls him in closer, closer, and gets him to eye level.

The performance has already begun, Victor. So what do they do now?

The answer is  _ nothing that they expect. _

Victor's smile is a secret. You’re right.

Yuuri is confident that he will be able to show Russia all of his love. All of  _ their _ love.

When he gets on the ice, he feels, well, as at home as he’s been in Ice Castle Hasetsu, not really at home. He is utterly mortified actually. 

Like,  _ who does he think he is, pulling Victor around in the heart of Russia? _

But a skater needs to have some confidence, moreso if it’s the skater who stole Victor away from the world.

So, intimidate them. Seduce them.

* * *

Yuuri blows a kiss to Victor, not caring how the judges would think. Rather, he doesn’t mind what the rest of the audience think, who cheer for someone not even competing. That someone is not competing  _ for him _ . 

He is dancing for Victor, a program that Victor himself had thought him capable of, months ago when not even  _ he _ did.

If he didn’t win, this would be the last time he can skate this program with Victor at his side as his coach. Maybe no one in Russia, or even the entire world, wanted him to win. That link of thinking runs shivers up his spine, but he knows.

Even if the whole world doesn’t want him to win? 

He can change that world, because Victor’s at his side. 

Clumsy, not-perfect, ridiculous, silly Victor Nikiforov. 

Who is not the untouchable emperor of the ice he had seemed when ’s gotten to know him more. 

Who loved his dog, good food, and tourist trap ninja castles. 

Victor, who is truly the most beautiful person Yuuri knows.

He delivers the best performance he has ever put on yet. When he arches his back, extends his arms, people all over are riveted to the the captivating step sequence, the curve of his body, sinuous, seductive.

His jumps are perfect. The best form he has shown the world yet, his triple axel was clean, the quad salchow performed beautifully without hesitation. His sole combination jump, the quad toe-double toe combination, was performed perfectly.

It was better any run he had imagined before he had stepped on the ice. It was legitimately the best possible outcome.

The stadium is filled with cheers, making Yuuri realize that even in Russia, he has some fans.

It was a nice revelation to have.

But that wasn’t the reaction he was looking for. Consciously or not, his attention has been gravitating to Victor, seeking his approval over anyone else’s

And Victor’s smile is stunning.

_Perfect,_ he says, and Yuuri doesn’t know how to describe his elation.

* * *

Victor meets him at the exit, so they could get to the kiss and cry together, and is more than a little bit startled by Yurio’s beauty. Yuuri was honestly happy for him, though he has a grumpy cat’s soul and is too proud to boot. But he looks like he has truly captured Agape, and he feels an odd sense of accomplishment, for witnessing a small part of his growth. 

Victor guides him to the kiss and cry with a gentle arm around his shoulders and is rather a bit more delighted by his score than Yuuri himself is.

In fact, he gets down on one knee and kisses Yuuri’s skate.

And. Yuuri has zero idea what to do about that, his mind flashing back to Victor’s lips on a collision course to his own--that one and only time they kissed. He barely felt it, to be honest. It was a brief brushing of their lips before his back hit the ice and to be honest in the aftermath he realized he remembered so much more of that moment than he had initially thought.

The tingle of his lips. How Victor’s eyelashes fluttered shut. How Victor’s eyes looked at him so tenderly in the aftermath. The hand supporting his head. The arm cushioning his neck. 

* * *

Being interviewed was kind of a blur, and Yuuri couldn’t help wondering if he would be able to take first in the short program, like he did in China.

It wasn’t arrogance, not really. It was confidence in Victor’s choreography, and a quiet conviction in his own feelings, skating Eros for Victor.

Yurio scored lower than he did, and Yuuri, well, he wasn’t sure what he was expecting if Eros and Agape were pitted against each other, but It hadn’t looked like Yurio had put all his heart into it, this time.

He catches a glimpse of Victor watching him, a fond smile on his lips, but is distracted by his phone ringing.

Mari-neechan never called during a competition, because they knew Yuuri would worry all throughout the performance and they didn’t want that. 

Yuuri feels a bad premonition even as he steps outside to take the call.

* * *

It was a terrible premonition, it turns out. 

Makkachin has probably been Victor’s whole world aside from skating, given how easily Victor had uprooted his life in St. Petersburg so long as he got Makkachin to Hasetsu with him.

And also, Makkachin was a pretty old dog, older than Vicchan, even.

He could feel his heartbeat in his ears, overwhellming Mari-neechan’s soft recounting of the events.

His grip on his phone is slack, tremors running through his fingers and out through his voice.

Vicchan hadn’t been his oldest friend, or closest. But he had been his dearest; at first the closest connection he had with his idol outside the rink, however tenuous.  He had become more than that though. Vicchan had been his family, someone he could openly show his live to, outside the ice.

But he had left him so easily, when he went to Detroit. He'd always thought he'd see him again next time. Until it was too late for next time.

_What do you want us to do?_  his sister asks. 

That was a silly question. Yuuri already knows that, zero hesitation.

He knows what he has to do. It terrifies him, but he does.

He knows he loves Victor, but it makes him uneasy, letting him go.

Knowing he has no real hold on Victor, his decision-making process, or his future.

_ Compose yourself, Katsuki Yuuri, _ he thinks. 

He doesn’t have a hold on Victor’s future, but his  _ present _ ? He has that at least, for now.

* * *

His hands were shaking, and Yuuri has never been simultaneously so certain and so reluctant.

Yuuri insists Victor has to go back to Japan, this very instant. He can pull himself together for the free skate tomorrow, he’s in top form right now, scored a personal best and everything,

He would be okay.

Victor frowns, tries to complain, but Yuuri is every inch as stubborn as Victor could be, and soon Victor is looking at him with eyes that are almost anguished.

No matter, Victor  _ has _ to go back. He needs to be there, sharing in whatever Makkachin was going through. Yuuri would have given up so much, for just this same opportunity.

Victor is almost as desperate as Yuuri is, at this point. He’s in the middle of yet another rendition of  _ I told you Yuuri, I can’t leave you, _ and their escalating argument is drawing a frankly embarrassing audience, when he catches sight of Yakov and latches on to him.

Coach Yuuri, just for one day, while Victor is gone.

Yakov relents, as he does, after a lot of bluster and yelling, just like the stories Victor told Yuuri.

Yuuri doesn’t quite understand what to make of that.

* * *

Victor leaves the hotel after he give Yuuri a litany of instructions, including earnest instructions to embrace his frankly terrifying former coach if he needed any help at all and he will be helped.

Yuuri doubted it, honestly, but Victor punctuates his words with a warm embrace Yuuri doesn’t want to leave, and he thinks that Victor must trust Yakov this much for a reason.

“Sorry, Yuuri,” Victor tells him, breath hot against his ear. The central heating in the hotel wasn’t all that great. “Even if I’m not here, I will always be with you in spirit.” Victor rests his head on Yuuri’s shoulder for the briefest moment, the weight of it solid and comforting.

Yuuri really didn’t want Victor to leave but he had to make him, now.

Victor doesn’t wait for Yuuri to push him away though-- a good thing because Yuuri wasn’t sure he’d be able to let him go.

“Yuuri,” he whispers so softly it seems like it is a secret to the world. “Yuuri. My heart is yours, I will see you soon.”

And he turns away and leaves for Japan, dragging Yuuri’s old, beaten up suitcase that he borrowed, and his designer handcarry bag.

Yuuri doesn’t know what he is supposed to say to that.

* * *

That night, alone in the hotel room they were supposed to share, Yuuri’s heart broke. 

He had been trying to get to sleep early, because without Victor there wasn’t much reason to stay up. So after his bath, Yuuri had the curtains all drawn shut, the only source of illumination were from the bedside lamp and the digital clock he had promptly set to alarm at dawn the next day.

The shard of his heart that had always belonged to someone else cleaved at 7:42PM. 

Yuuri knows this because of the bright red numerals of the digital clock at his bedside table. He knows it because at the moment the shard had landed atop his comforter he had felt the excruciating loneliness he had never before imagined, not even in his greatest nightmares.

It hurt so badly.

It wasn’t just like a knife to the heart, you see. When your heart breaks, you might feel the euphoria of being with your soulmate, if you are lucky . If not, well. You would feel how it is to lose your soulmate.

Yuuri felt like he stood on a precipice while everything he knew fell away one by one.

He felt overwhelmingly alone, the despair of never seeing  _ that smile _ again for the remainder of his wretched life sucking up the air from his lungs.

Yuuri sobbed, but no one was there to comfort him.

* * *

Yuuri was not okay, the next morning.

The pain is more manageable, but only because he has gotten used to it. It weighs heavy on his shoulders, around his neck, in his heart, where half his missing.

As soon as he wakes up, he texts a quick ‘I’m sorry, I’ll try,’ to Victor and shuts his phone off.

There isn’t anything else he could do. There were dark shadows under his eyes, his mouth felt like something had crawled up and died inside last night, his limbs were heavy and his stomach was a nervous know he had no idea how to untangle.

He spends a few minutes just curled up, because he can’t muster the energy to make himself presentable for everyone else.

But he has to. For himself, for Victor. Who is his soulmate, probably. It really couldn’t be anyone else, at this point.

He has to skate later. To get to the Grand Prix final. To get the gold. To let Victor go, for the last time.

Yuuri isn’t stupid, he knows his time with Victor has always only been borrowed for the briefest of moments.

With effort, he gets up.

He knows who he is skating for. 

* * *

The morning practice could have gone much better, but Yakov takes one look at his defeated face and says nothing. Yuuri appreciates this, though, and tries, tries to pull himself together.

Morooka calls it out, in the interview, but honestly Yakov’s silence was the most positive thing Yuuri could have hoped for.

Victor’s and Yakov’s coaching styles were entirely dissimilar, and Yuuri probably couldn’t have adjusted to any of Yakov’s corrections at this point. He has run the program through with Victor so many times. At this point all he could hope is for it to be one of his better runs. 

He isn’t even thinking of trying a quad flip at this point.

He just felt _so_ heavy.

* * *

Sara Crispino tries to cheer him up, but it isn’t very effective. He has never felt very comfortable with her, even if she was younger than him and competetive-friendly most of the time.

He doesn’t quite know what to say to her.

_Well,_ he reflects wryly. _When did he ever?_

He warms up methodically, almost numbly. The shard of his heart is in the inside pocket of his blazer, still warm from how he clutches at it when he has a free moment.

Seung Gil passes by, and Yuuri is startled by the tears silently rolling down his cheeks.

Abruptly, he looks away. Seung Gil probably didn’t want him to see.

* * *

Yurio dances on the ice, effortly skating a hellish step sequence without any time for a single breath. Somehow he is completely calm.

He looks beautiful, Yuuri thinks. Almost unrecognizably so.

Delivering a killer program even though he looks like he is dying, taking on the challenge to perform beyond his limits.

If only Yuuri could muster up that much strength.

* * *

Yuuri does not register Yurio’s score, does not notice his rival’s exultant face. His limbs felt like they were being weighed down by lead.

Yuuri makes his way on the ice, heart heavy.

As he takes up his first position on the ice, tears already blurring his vision.

They do not fall, though.

That was  _ his _ conviction.

* * *

As soon as the music starts, Yuuri feels the more alive than he has felt all day.

This was what he was skating for. His story, and Victor.

But Victor wasn’t there.

But Yuuri’s performance reflected what Victor has been doing for the past year, and whatever dubious internet articles say about all that time, those weeks and months were precious to Yuuri. They weren’t a waste of Victor’s attention. He wasn't a waste.

Yuuri refuses to let those precious memories be reduced to a mistake, a blip in Victor Nikiforov's otherwise flawless skating career.

He _has_ to win. There was so much riding on him now.

His quad-double turns into a quad-single, and Yuuri turns further inside himself, trying to figure out a way to turn his performance back around to surprise the audience.

_ How? _

He _tries_ , but he can’t calm down, not really. He’s felt uneasy since Victor left to be honest.

Victor has been on his mind increasingly since he arrived in Hasetsu, Yuuri honestly couldn’t imagine what it will be like, later on.

_After Victor finally leaves_ , he can’t quite make himself say.

Victor, glorious and charming, who somehow understood how Yuuri thought himself into messing up his jumps, who gave him the courage to say what he’s always though-- that he really, really wanted to win, beyond his previous self, who could only say he didn’t want to lose.

Yuuri pushes himself, despite the bone deep exhaustion of feeling like he’s lost what had made life worth living, worth loving.

Yuuri skated, pushing himself to rotate as much as he can, to just power through this program so he can see Victor again.

Victor, who believed in him when he himself didn’t who told him, brooking no argument, that Yuuri was  _ not weak. _

_ Don’t think, _ he tells himself. There will be time for that later.

Too much time, in fact.

Now, now was the time for action.

He has picked himself up from every failure he has had until now, there wasn’t anything telling him he couldn’t do the same from now on. Yuuri was in his prime, fully capable of skating this program that they had choreographed together. In making this program, Yuuri had fallen in love with it, with each outstretched arm and each glide of the blade on smooth ice.

No one in this world could love this program as much as he did. This would be the program he would skate before his official retirement, this program that only he could understand best.

This _couldn’t_ be his last performance of it. 

It has to be at the Grand Prix Final, and he has to get gold.

Yurio was able to skate his program beautifully, even when he was dying from the strain, putting six of his eight jumps in the second half even when his stamina wasn’t that great.

And Yuuri? Stamina was Yuuri’s strongest point. He should be capable of this much. 

Even if Victor wasn’t by his side.

It’s more than a  _ want _ at this point. Yuuri  _ needs _ .

He puts all his emotions in the step sequence, letting his desperation tighten his footwork until it is a thing of beauty.

This program is something he and Victor had poured their hearts and souls into. Yuuri should be able to skate it best of all simply because it is a program made expressly for him to win a gold medal, from Victor. Aside from Victor’s time the past year, it is probably the most precious thing he has of Victor, and the one thing he will remember him by.

If watching Yuri Plisetsky nail his program was like watching a fairy earn his wings, watching Katsuki Yuuri was like watching a crippled bird try to take flight. It was painful, but it _captivated_ you.

Yuuri’s love shone through in his performance, flawed as it was, and no one, not even the disgruntled fans who came for Victor, could look away.

* * *

When he stepped off the ice, Yakov eyes him with reluctant understanding, and sits with him at the kiss and cry. He takes a deep breath and lectures him with all the fiery bluster and apoplectic rage he hadn’t, earlier, and Yuuri thinks he’s finally earned his respect.

When the score comes out and he says it was a better score than he’d expected, gruff but professionally appraising, Yuuri can’t help feeling overwhelmed.

“ _ Spasibo _ ,” he tells Yakov, for all the things he couldn’t put into words. For Victor, for accepting, for caring despite all appearances. As he wraps Victor’s ex-coach in a hug and renders him speechless for maybe the first time ever, he closes his eyes and breathes a little bit easier since he’d said godbye the evening before.

_ Don’t worry, Yakov, Victor will go back to Russia soon. _

* * *

He manages to qualify for the Grand Prix Final by the skin of his teeth. He isn’t proud of it, because he knows he could have done better.

If he hadn't gotten silver in the cup of China, or if Michele had scored silver as well, the results would have been very different.

As it was, Michele is the one who podiums, because he scored higher on the free skate.

Things can’t stand the way they do, in the final. He needs to be better than that.

Also, Victor didn’t deserve a soulmate who was just fourth place.

* * *

Embracing Yakov wasn’t enough, feeling devoid of actual warmth and comfort they way he feels safe in Victor’s arms. When Sara Crispino congratulates him, arms outstretched, he wraps her up in a hug with a quiet thank you. When Michele Crispino complains, Yuuri tries to embrace him too, but is disappointed. There is also the fact that Michele turns blue and shrieks and foams at the mouth, but hugging Emil is much nicer, if only because he hugs back. Something just isn’t enough, though. And he tries with Seung Gil and JJ and Yurio, with varying degrees of unsuccessfulness.

Something is missing.

* * *

Somehow he finds himself outside, alone, clutching his own heart shard as if he could shove it back in his own chest and feel okay.

He has been given this last chance at the peak of his career. Yuuri wants to win now more than ever. but even so, whatever the result of this GPF, he’ll be making Victor quit as his coach, and then…

And then what? 

Yuuri can all too easily imagine Victor leaving, despite being his soulmate, still. Oh, he knows Victor will try to stay, but would he actually? 

At this point, Yuuri has established pretty much that he needs Victor’s support to do well as a figure skater, and if that isn’t unhealthy codependence, Yuuri doesn’t know what it is.

Besides, no matter how hard he tries, Yuuri can’t imagine them growing old together in Hasetsu.

When Yuuri asks him to leave? Victor is kind. 

He might not even ask Yuuri why he was being so selfish. He never pushed Yuuri when he wasn’t ready…

* * *

Yurio kicks him out of his depressing train of thought with his usual ease and scolds him and gives him pirozhki for his birthday. Yuuri feels almost warm, for the first time since Victor had embraced him before leaving..

Which makes him wonder, really.

“Hey Yurio? Has your heart changed color yet?”

Abruptly, Yurio’s expression shutters, closing off. “It’s transitioning.”

Yuuri could relate. When hearts transitioned from gray to the final color, it rarely looked pretty. Yuuri’s had just progressively turned darker over the course of a month, and Yuuri had worried when it had almost settled and looked jet black in the darkened light of his room. Not that black looked terrible, he admires Nishigori’s heart, which was as steady and as true as the best of them. But compared to Victor’s heart, incandescent as he spun on the ice, his own had always felt a bit lacking.

“Well, I’m sure it will be beautiful, Yuuri smiles reassuringly.

Yurio scoffs. “It looks like mud, now.”

“Your’re still growing. I’m sure whatever you think it looks now, it will suit the type of person you’re becoming.”

Yurio eyes him suspiciously. “Why are we talking about hearts? Has yours broken? Is that why…”

Yuuri busies himself with the food. “Mm, this is  _ vkusno _ !” he says, but he can’t quite muster up the enthusiasm.

The blonde studies him, but says nothing.

* * *

There was a lot he wanted to tell Victor, and he’d tried putting his thoughts together in some semblance of order on the long plane ride, but failed.

As he disembarks, he’s still trying to figure out if he should talk about his heartbreak or his program first, when he catches Makkachin in the corner of his vision. He makes eye contact with Victor next, and then, as one, they run towards each other like their lives depended on it, refusing to look away the slightest moment.

Yuuri drinks in Victor’s appearance, even as he impatiently waits for the automatic doors to open, and appreciates Victor, arms outstretched, even as he rushes to embrace the man who used to be his idol.

Yuuri buries his face into the dip in Victor’s shoulder, revelling in the warmth of the taller man completely embracing him.

It felt like, home, not like how any of the other competitors had felt, in Rostelecom, even Emil, who was the only one who hugged back.

“Yuuri,” Victor told him, tenderly. “i’ve been thinking about what I can do as your coach from now on.”

Yuuri has, too. He tells Victor, but somehow he doesn’t get across the pains he takes, thinking and overthinking every single detail.

He closes his eyes as he pushes Victor back, putting all his strength in the motion. For this part, at least, he has to express himself properly.

It should be easy, he’s rehearsed it in the plane often.

“Until I retire, I’m under your care.” it was a little vague, but honestly this was the most straightforwardness he could handle.

Victor smiles,  plucks Yuuri’s wrists easily from his shoulder. Kisses his left ring finger.

“That sounds like a proposal, doesn’t it?”

Yuuri smiles, moves to embrace him again. Victor meets him halfway, as he always does, and leans in.

“It’d be nice if you never retire” he whispers in Yuuri’s ear. 

It was impossible, but Victor was always ridiculously dramatic. But some part of Yuuri couldn’t help but hope he meant it. Even though Victor came to coach him just for this season, as he said all those months ago.

No matter. They still had a lot to talk about, between now and the Grand Prix Final. His program, their hearts.

Before that, though, Yuuri makes a promise. “Let’s win gold together at the Grand Prix Final.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, school is starting up soon again! I’d tried, really, to finish this before my classes started and I’m so sorry I wasn’t able to meet it. At the very least, my February is thoroughly packed, but I hesitate to put this strictly on hiatus till the end of my academic year because I dunno, maybe I could find the time somewhere?
> 
> Furthermore, when this is done, I expect to do a rewrite, hopefully with lost in translation posts by various people in Tumblr incorporated. For one, I am looking forward to lookiamnotcreative’s take on episodes seven to twelve! Also, maybe to fix my tenses. I know they’re all over the place ehehe.
> 
> I wish you all the best, and I hope to share more with you soon, even if it isn’t not in the immediate, foreseeable future. Thank you so much for all your lovely messages, they cheer me up even if I don’t know what to say a lot of the time! You’re all lovely people, thank you!


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